Kathleen Wynne boosts Ontario economy with province-wide two-drink minimum
ONTARIO – In an attempt to ensure a new cash flow for the provincial government, Premier Kathleen Wynne has implemented a new policy forcing Ontarians to have two alcoholic beverages at all…
Marooned Minister of Fisheries hurls bottle stuffed with legislation into the Atlantic
DESERTED ISLAND – After rolling up the pages and saying a short prayer, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has thrown what may be his final bill into the ocean in hopes that…
Courageous and inspiring woman accidently free bleeds
TORONTO — Today, local marketing associate Ellen Smith stood up for women’s empowerment everywhere by embarking on a bold, 4-hour, totally unintentional free bleed. Smith’s courageous stand began…
Report: Jared Leto terrorized Suicide Squad castmates with 30 Seconds to Mars songs
HOLLYWOOD – As Warner Brothers releases its latest DC Comics blockbuster, Suicide Squad, sources have confirmed that star Jared Leto’s “acting method” involved torturing his castmates with …
After report shows flossing to be useless, millions immediately continue to not floss
NATIONWIDE – A recent report from the Associated Press has found that there is very little evidence that flossing works, leading millions of people to continue not doing it. “As soon as I h…
Germany excited to finally be good guy in next World War
BERLIN – Speaking before an assembled group of reporters, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany has announced the entire nation is thrilled that they will probably be considered a good guy in the u…
Husky reassures Saskatchewan environmentalists that wildlife will evolve to take 91 octane
CALGARY – Husky Energy has reassured environmental groups that local wildlife will evolve to refine and use the crude spilled in the North Saskatchewan River at a level above that of regula…
Toronto police neutralize knife wielding man on bus with barrage of words
TORONTO – A tense altercation with a man brandishing a knife on a TTC bus ended in a hail of words projected by Toronto Police. “It was one sentence after another until the man couldn’t take it a…
Pious Ontarians celebrate miraculous birth of Governor Simcoe
TORONTO – Thousands of devout Ontarians are celebrating one of the most holiest of provincial days marking the birth of Governor John Graves Simcoe. Across the province, citizens gathered a…
John Tory vows to combat Toronto’s out-of-control Drowzee infestation
TORONTO – Declaring that the city’s Drowzee scourge can no longer be tolerated, Toronto Mayor John Tory vowed that he would take swift, decisive action against the problem. “We are aware of…
