TTC uses fare hike to fund new service outage announcement system
TORONTO – In a press conference yesterday, the Toronto Transit Commission announced that thanks to funds raised by recently announced fare hikes, the transit system would be launching a bra…
6-year-old placed on travel security list for radical beliefs in Santa Claus
Canadian born 6-year-old Syed Adam Ahmed has been placed on a travel security risk list following the revelation of his radical beliefs in Santa Claus. Markham resident Ahmed was labelled DHP, or…
No you come out of the supply closet
By: Darryl Bowden I’m getting real sick of this. Every time I go into the supply closet at work, everyone expects that I’m going to come out within the hour. But I’m not. Why? B…
UN sends 40,000 peacekeepers to stabilize United States
GENEVA – Following reports of sustained violence and the rise of dangerous militant and political groups, the United Nations is allocating 40,000 peacekeepers to the US in an attempt to mai…
Nike boosts sales with new shoes targeted at young, wealthy centipedes
NEW YORK – Nike announced today that 2015 was its most successful year ever, crediting their massive increase in sales to a specialty line of sneakers that targeted the under-served “young,…
Bunny reporter tired of writing fluff pieces
BANFF, AB- Jounalist for the Banff National Park News Hoppy McWhiskers has recently spoken out about what he believes is a pattern of discrimination at the paper. McWhiskers, who joined the pape…
Recalled flip-flops flip, fail to flop
Fairfax, NFLD – Feather Feet, formerly Fairfax Footwear, has recalled their first famed flip-flop franchise, the Freezy Flow, for flipping, but failing to flop. Faulty manufacturing on the …
Family arguing in Mississippi Walmart checkout accidentally writes new Faulkner novel
MISSISSIPPI – Members of the slowly dissolving Sendwick clan, Collum and his children Leonard and Franny, have unintentionally created a previously unavailable work from Nobel Prize-winning…
Guy who used to have mutton chops and mohawk seems to be doing OK these days
TORONTO – Sources say that, despite what you might have thought, the guy that they used to call “Muttonhawk” seems to have actually been doing pretty alright, these last couple of years. “I…
Local man’s new year’s resolutions too depressing for rest of party
REGINA – Sources inside Beverly Ackerman’s New Year’s Eve party last night say the event was brought to a screeching halt when attendee Michael Griffin proceeded to reveal the sad, inconseq…
