Neighbourhood one cupcake shop short of gentrification
TORONTO – Residents in a western Toronto neighbourhood had mixed reaction this week as the opening of a barre studio put the neighbourhood just one cupcake shop short of gentrification. “I …
Local man manages to turn belch into words ‘I love you’
WINDSOR, ON – Shortly after the Chinese take-out dinner he ordered in celebration of his wife’s birthday, local man Bryce Mulwich has managed to turn an enormous burp into the words ‘I love…
Ryan Lochte wins gold in 400m ‘Making Up A Robbery’
RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened. “This is unreal, kind of …
Scientists don’t even bother to measure before declaring 2016 hottest summer ever
Asheville, N.C. – Saying it was too hot to do any work climate change researchers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have declared that they assume the summer of …
Idiot dock-side vendor selling priceless seashell art for only $16.99
TAMPA, FL – Canadian tourists returning from summer vacation report that one rube souvenir vendor in Tampa is selling priceless art for $20 or less. “The guy told us himself that this…
Derek Drouin wins high jump gold while trying to escape horde of Rio rats
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio …
Tinder profile picture just manages to frame out gaping wound
SASKATOON – Tim Cordwell, active user of popular dating app Tinder, is satisfied with his new profile picture, which just manages to frame out a horrific injury he recently sustained. “Ah, …
No one in social media strategy meeting actually knows how Snapchat works
Florenceville, NB – Attendees at a media strategy session for the McCain Foods company reported enthusiasm over plans to expand awareness to teens using the app Snapchat, despite absolutely…
Co-worker on maternity leave probably at fucking Six Flags right now
OTTAWA – Employees at Ace One consulting were collectively fuming at co-worker Vanessa Clay, the recipient of a whole two months of mat leave that’s she’s probably using to hang out at awes…
Microhome purchaser looking forward to life in immobile trailer
SUDBURY — Recent microhome purchaser, Tom Pederson says he is looking forward to life in his tiny house that cannot move anywhere. “I’m thrilled to be a part of the tiny home movement,” Pederson …
