OTTAWA – With the Conservative leadership race heating up, experts say the next party leader will be whoever has the biggest, most ostentatious tie knot around their neck.
“Tory voters need to know where their leaders stand on the issues most important to them, issues like ‘big tie knot: yes or no,’” said parliamentary tie historian Grant Li. “They want the answer to that question to be, ‘yes, absolutely, very big knot.’”
While Brian Mulroney was able to win with just a somewhat large Double Windsor knot, Harper was only able to beat out Mackay through the use of a Three-and-a-Half Windsor, and Li expects to see knots as large as Five or Six Windsors before this year’s race is over.
“So far, O’Leary is holding on to his lead because of his naturally meaty neck,” said Li. “But Bernier’s recent pivot from wide ties to extremely wide ties may help him catch up.”
American politics also have an affect on the Canadian race. Candidates like Chris Alexander have made a point of drawing both on Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rhetoric, and his habit of wearing ties so long that they flap between his legs, like a flaccid rayon penis.
While this metric may seem unfair to female candidates, Kellie Leitch has been holding her own, by wearing a balled-up confederate flag around her neck.
Michael Chong, on the other hand, has proven himself to be a crypto-Liberal, through his use of the unprincipled half-Windsor knot.
“It’s tough to call at this point, but Kevin O’Leary will likely win,” said Li. “He speaks the language of business, and his tie knots are large enough to house several common species of rodent.”
“Like the vole, shrew, and muskrat.”
At press time, lesser-known candidate Andrew Scheer had surged into first place, after an iodine deficiency caused him to grow a huge, triangular goiter on the front of his neck.