God apologizes for snakes
HEAVEN – In an unprecedented public statement earlier this week, God, the Supreme Lord and Master of the Universe, Blessed be He, issued a heartfelt apology for the creation and proliferation of …
Péladeau proves separation is possible in Quebec
QUEBEC CITY — Just months after claiming an enduring partnership with Julie Snyder, Pierre Karl Peladeau has proven that separation can happen in Quebec. “Despite our clearly defined mutual…
Alberta hosts provincial wide garage sale on gently used oil production equipment
EDMONTON — Bargain hunters were out in full force at a surprise garage sale for most of Alberta’s unused oil and gas production equipment last weekend. Politicians and industry executives n…
Buddy cops acquitted in shooting of teen
TORONTO – Several months after shooting a teenage person of colour over three hundred times, a buttoned-down desk jockey and a maverick, ladies-man beat cop have been acquitted, and, more i…
NFL players insist concussions not a serious waffles
NEW YORK – In a league-organized press conference, NFL players read statements issued by commissioner Roger Goodell, indicating they felt concussions were “not a serious waffles in today’s …
Forcillo jury found guilty of attempted justice
TORONTO – Immediately after revealing their verdict on the case of James Forcillo’s murder of Sammy Yatim, the 11-person jury was charged with and found guilty of attempted justice. “There …
‘Hockey Night’ experience gives Rogers courage to ruin Blue Jays
TORONTO – Having successfully rebranded Hockey Night in Canada from a beloved cultural institution into an unwatchable orgy of corporate synergy, Rogers Communications says it’s finally ready to …
Elaborate conspiracy to underpay Gillian Anderson for X-Files reboot revealed to be just ordinary sexism
HOLLYWOOD – Following revelations that Fox attempted to pay X-Files star Gillian Anderson half the salary of her male co-star, what many had assumed to be a shadowy conspiracy stretching to…
Viral video: ultra orthodox Jews touch crustaceans for the first time
NEW YORK — A video showing a group of ultra orthodox Jews touching crabs, lobsters, shrimp and oysters for the first time is going viral worldwide. The website that produced the five minute…
Gregory Elliot now free to harass that cutie in the jury
TORONTO – After being cleared of two charges of criminal harassment in a high-profile case this afternoon, Toronto-man Gregory Elliot is now free to begin sending aggressive escalating mess…
