WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump, a man who was elected based on his self-proclaimed “deal-making genius”, has failed to secure a trade deal with Canada, a nation most known for maple syrup and neighbourly friendliness.
“I wanted to make a deal with the Canadians, but they were too nasty for me,” proclaimed Trump about a country most known for helpful mounties, Timbits hockey, and Anne Murray.
The U.S. president listed off several ways in which Canadian Prime Minister Carney “was no match for me” in trade talks, including Carney’s lack of sons or sons in law working as negotiators, his insistence on actually reading documents, and his “not being macho enough” to wear or soil an adult diaper during negotiations.
“For years those Canadians have been ripping us off,” Trump added about CUSMA, a deal he himself authored and signed, while referring to a nation that has routinely sent firefighters to combat American wildfires.
Throughout trade talks Trump has regularly insisted that his business savvy is laid out in his book The Art Of The Deal, which he did not actually write because it was ghost written by journalist Tony Schwartz who has since denounced the president. While now unable to secure a deal with a neighbouring peaceful nation who is the living embodiment of a cartoon beaver offering to share their six-pack, Trump still insists that his negotiation skills are unparalleled.
“I am the best negotiator the planet has ever seen, just ask Iran, China, Greenland, E. Jean Carroll, and every contractor in the tri-state area who I’ve stiffed since the 70’s,” Trump added, before demanding that aide Natalie Harp compose another poem in his honour.
At press time, Canada is preparing to demonstrate what comes after “friendly”.
