TORONTO – Progressive Conservative leader Doug Ford outlined his plan to fix Ontario’s manufacturing sector, bringing hundreds of thousands of jobs to the province’s rustbelt robots. “Manufactur...
Local liberal arts campus closed for deconstruction
VANCOUVER – This morning, the Emily Carr University of Art and Design announced that its main campus will be shuttering over the summer for a large-scale deconstruction project. “It’s been decad...
Woman assembles crack team of six to determine if ex-boyfriend seeing someone new
STEINBACH, MB – 26-year-old Jacqueline Westan spent the majority of this past weekend alongside a specialized, crack team of six of her best friends in an attempt to identify whether or not her ...
Liberals backtrack on their promise to only backtrack on 50% of their promises
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau’s Liberal Party continues to find the reality of governing more difficult than making campaign promises. After electoral reform and environmental protection they are now ...
Investigators baffled by mysterious body found inside wooden box buried under stone marker
GRIMSBY, ON – After weeks of extensive investigation the RCMP announced today that they have absolutely no clue how, or why a body was buried six feet under ground, beneath a large stone cross, inside...
PCs hire man with air horn to censor Doug Ford every time he goes off script
BELLEVILLE, ON – The Ontario Progressive Conservative Party has put in place another measure to ensure Doug Ford stays on message by censoring anything off-script with an air horn. “Ontarians ar...
25-year-old coworker can’t believe you’re 30
MILTON – Sources have confirmed that despite your numerous assurances and even a brief viewing of your driver’s license, Lisa Eaton, your 25-year-old coworker, cannot believe you are 30. “Are yo...
Pizza Pizza introduces new 16” creamy garlic dip
ETOBICOKE, ON- Finally acknowledging that customers merely endure their pizzas in order to get their hands on their dips, restaurant chain Pizza Pizza revealed on Thursday a new 16” creamy garlic dipp...
I made soup in my crockpot, and you’re damn well going to hear about it
By: Ethan Dennis Hi, how are you? Okay, you son of a bitch, check out this soup. I made that. In my crockpot. And you’re damn well going to hear about it. Ask me how easy it was, motherfucker. No wait...
Manitoba capital relocated to Premier’s Costa Rica home for convenience’s sake
NEW WINNIPEG – Manitoba’s Premier Brian Pallister has announced he has relocated the provincial capital, Winnipeg, to his luxury home in Costa Rica making the Premier far more accessible for mee...
