OTTAWA – As the NHL playoffs get started, Canadian hockey fans whose teams did not make the playoffs are faced with the incredibly difficult decision of whether to go with the Jets or Maple Leaf...
Local woman excited to replace old crush on emotionally unavailable man with new crush on emotionally unavailable man
Toronto – After setting aside her longtime crush on one emotionally unavailable and manipulative man, local woman Bronwyn Taylor is pleased to report she is now crushing on a completely new man ...
Notley to flood BC so pipelines reach Pacific
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Rachel Notley has announced her proposal to sink the province of British Columbia to resolve the ongoing Trans Mountain Pipeline dispute with BC, and grant her provinc...
Sweater weather update: east coast ravaged by huge cardigan cell
HALIFAX – Reports are coming in that Nova Scotia is being hit with terrible sweater weather, with prevalent high-speed cardigans and up to 80mm of tastefully embroidered guernseys in some areas....
We wanted to do a list of the top 10 Canadian films of all time, but didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings so here are all of them
Here’s the quintessential Top 2,285 Canadian Films of All Time (and Counting) in no particular order because they’re all great and everyone will be happy: Glenn Gould: On/Off the Record No...
Thirty-year-old man horny for twenty-year-old’s old soul
MONTREAL – Describing the twenty minutes he spent leering at her across Grumpy’s Bar as an overwhelming intellectual connection, Philip Marshall, 30, announced Friday that he was extremely horny...
Oddly hostile entrepreneur pitches Dragons’ Den his business idea for paying off politicians’ campaign debts
TORONTO – Last night’s episode of Dragons’ Den got a bit confrontational after none of the Dragons expressed an interest in Devin O’Kerry’s idea for a business whose sole purpose would be to pay...
Vimy Ridge: Canada becomes a nation after killing Germans for Britain on French soil
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. April 9, 1917 VIMY, FRANCE – Following more than a century of struggle fo...
Protesters as shocked as you are that they actually managed to halt Trans Mountain Pipeline
BURNABY, BC – Surprise washed over protesters on Sunday as oil conglomerate Kinder Morgan announced that construction of the Trans Mountain Pipeline had suddenly come to a stop. “Seriously?”, sa...
QUIZ: Okay! Which one of you assholes got me sick?
Alright, this weather is garbage and now I’m sneezing and coughing. Which one of you assholes at work got me sick? Images via Pixabay/Deposit Photos...
