I made soup in my crockpot, and you're damn well going to hear about it - The Beaverton

I made soup in my crockpot, and you’re damn well going to hear about it

By: Ethan Dennis

Hi, how are you? Okay, you son of a bitch, check out this .

I made that.

In my crockpot.

And you’re damn well going to hear about it.

Ask me how easy it was, motherfucker. No wait, don’t, I can’t have shit all over the place when you crap yourself after finding out it took took only eight fucking minutes to prep.

Believe this: my soup makes The Chef’s Table look like a limp-dick TV tray. The secret? I let this shit simmer for eight hours to imbue it with maximum fucking flavour, you crumb. Yeah, imbues. It’s a gourmet term I have to use now that I’m basically Gordon god damn Ramsey.

I’ve saved shitloads on this fucking soup and it tastes like a California god damn dream. All it takes is planning a meal 36 hours in advance. I have to let you try some to prove it, don’t I? Fine, get a spoon, you rope-pushing cuck.

Oh, and pisshead? If you use the recipe, bring me some of your soup to try! Just kidding, I’ve got litres of this gourmet shit. Got a batch going right now that I’ll probably have to pour down the toilet. Yeah, my sink is broken, I think I poured too much expired soup down the god damn thing.

Speaking of Amy, did she mention me at lunch yesterday? Huh. Weird that you spent a whole motherfucking meal together and I didn’t come up once. Listen, you greasy asshole, next time just casually mention the soup so she knows I’m balling, capisce?

And tell her I signed up for those anger management classes, you infernal skunk.

No, yeah, I’ve got to go too. Keep soupin’, . That’s my new catchphrase, do you like it? I– Ah jeez, he’s gone. God damn it.

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