The Beaverton

Media promises to only fall for the ‘maybe Poilievre has changed’ story 4-5 more times

Carney opens Quebec speech by saying “We all agree Maurice Richard was overrated right?”

Serial killer’s cat insists on lying right across the warm corpse he’s working on

Canada chooses lawful evil over chaotic evil

A man getting a haircut with an unhappy expression on his face while his right ear bleeds

Barbershop customer a little worried after seeing huge chunk of ear hit floor

Two teenagers in a library, each holding a stack of three books and looking vaguely unhappy

Alberta organizes banned book buyback to keep streets safe

Canadian tourist in London unsure if street hawker is selling authentic Royal Babies

LONDON – Despite the British vendor’s persuasive arguments, Canadian tourist Eric Forte remains unconvinced that the street merchant is actually selling the biological children of Kate Midd…

Idiot loser arrives at event on time

MONTRÉAL – Wishing to attend a concert at local music venue Le Mixtape, systems analyst Brent O’Connell recently arrived at the advertised start time of 8:00 pm like the complete moron that he is…

These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll

These five people couldn’t afford the $47.00 toll to take the bridge off of Prince Edward Island. So now they live there. It could happen to you! 1. https://depositphotos.com/search/tourist…

Health Canada suggests limiting alcohol to 2 drinks per day unless you’ve already had 3 in which case fuck it

OTTAWA—Health Canada has released new guidelines emphasizing the importance of consuming no more than 2 alcoholic units per day, but only if you haven’t had more than that, because if you have, t…

Dropped stainless steel water bottle ruptures eardrums within 40 km radius

MONTREAL — Disaster struck Monday when the sound of a stainless steel water bottle dropped on to a concrete floor ruptured the eardrums of everyone within the downtown core. The deafening e…