MONTREAL, QC — As he slid his denim overalls over his bright yellow sweater while dancing to Q Lazzarus’s “Goodbye Horses,” Lain McNeal whispered to himself, “Would you fuck me? I would fuck me.” Thou...
Prince’s estate sues Trump for using his music at criminally unsexy political rallies
WASHINGTON, DC – This week, representatives of Prince ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease use of the deceased pop star’s funky, stimulating grooves at rallies that were described as “patently as...
Facing loud, violent neighbour, Canada moves to a safer continent
OTTAWA – Making good on its promise to live in a better neighbourhood, the second largest country in the world has made the move out of the North America. Canada packed up its 10 million square ...
Second base now redefined as eating ass
PETERBOROUGH, ON – Due to a growing increase in sexual expression and a more prevalent hookup culture, the long-standing system of “bases” used to define the progression of sexual acts have rece...
Local man refers to cubicle as ‘my office’
MONCTON – Employees of a local call centre were stunned this week after a fellow coworker referred to his cubicle as his office. Donald Grimps, 36, made the reference offhandedly in a morning me...
Report: Bullshit spewing out of Maxime Bernier’s mouth to be carbon taxed
OTTAWA – The federal government has confirmed the complete and utter bullshit coming out of Maxime Bernier’s mouth will be taxed starting at $10 per tonne. This comes two days after a large rele...
Ford announces new Ontario license plate slogan “washrooms are for customers only”
QUEEN’S PARK – Shortly after unveiling Ontario’s new “Open for Business” border signs, Premier Ford has announced that the province’s iconic “yours to discover” license plates will be discontinued and...
Woman trudges on in shitty relationship because she really wants a couples’ costume
HALIFAX, NS — After much thought, Jacinda Moore has decided she will stay with her current crap boyfriend, Mike Hennigar, due to really wanting a couples’ costume for Halloween 2018. “I have mad...
Local uncle unsure how long he can keep up charade of knowing what Fortnite is
LETHBRIDGE, AB — Local uncle Brad Reynolds, 36, is uncertain how long he can maintain the fiction that he understands who or what Fortnite is, to his nephew Tyler, 7, and niece Emily, 11. Speaki...
Mail bomber arrest ends exhaustive search for Trump 2020 Campaign Chairman
Plantation, FL — Following a string of mail bombs sent to Democrat leaders and CNN, authorities have arrested a man who was immediately offered a position as Trump 2020 campaign chairman. The su...
