MONTREAL, QC — As he slid his denim overalls over his bright yellow sweater while dancing to Q Lazzarus’s “Goodbye Horses,” Lain McNeal whispered to himself, “Would you fuck me? I would fuck me.”…
Eugene Melnyk figures now is a good time to ask Sens fans for another liver
OTTAWA – Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk has issued a statement through the organization asking the few remaining members of the Sens Army for another liver. In 2015, the Barbados-based…
Induction of Steve Nash into Basketball Hall of Fame inspires Canadians to also come up short of ultimate goal
SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS – This Friday, Canadian basketball icon Steve Nash will be enshrined in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame and the honour has inspired hundreds of Nash’s countr…
ByWard Bear incident exceeds Ottawa’s annual excitement quota
OTTAWA — Following the tranquilization and removal of a bear roaming around Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood, the City of Ottawa announced that it has exceeded its excitement quota for …
Travel blogger posts photos of staycation spent lying in own filth
TORONTO – Popular travel blogger Anderson Patrick Cole has decided to document his most exhilarating adventure yet: a three-week staycation at home, spent lying in his own filth. “I have be…
Staff morale at all-time low after office dog tenders resignation
VANCOUVER – Staff at local tech startup Coral Solutions were shocked to learn on Friday that Cupcake, the 5-year-old pug that had been with the company for over two years, had formally subm…
Brand’s ‘About Us’ page only raises more questions
VANCOUVER – After a successfully ubiquitous, cross-platform ad campaign that asked consumers if they are good #inspirementalists, the brand Inspirementalism Inc. has enjoyed unprecedented g…
Canada Council for the Arts slashes live theatre budget to fund ‘pets in hats’ Instagram accounts
OTTAWA – The Canada Council for the Arts announced a controversial new grant in hopes of branching out into new media while leaving the future of Canadian theatre uncertain. The funding pre…
REPORT: Earth in Retrograde
TORONTO – When Mercury is in retrograde, it appears as though the planet closest to the sun is orbiting the Earth backwards. This phenomenon has become a catchall explanation for why people…
Study: Canadians unable to identify what a book is unless it has a ‘Heather’s Pick’ sticker
TORONTO – A groundbreaking new study from the University of Toronto has found that Canadians are unable to identify what a book is unless it has been ordained by Heather Reisman, CEO of Ind…