The suspect, Cesar Sayoc, 56, is allegedly responsible for sending bombs through the mail to numerous figures who President Trump has criticized. Reportedly, this was all it took to land him the job.
“As soon as I saw his enthusiasm and direct mail outreach skills, I knew Sayoc had what it took to Make American Great Again,” explained President Trump from the Oval Office. Authorities then commenced the exhaustive 48 hour manhunt, solely for the purpose of finding Trump a new campaign chairman.
“We tend to go through those pretty quickly,” Trump commented.
Sayoc, who has a criminal history, is not black and was therefore arrested without incident. “Once these bombings began, we started our search in Florida, because obviously,” explained FBI agent Ron Marksmith. Attorney General Jeff Sessions then intervened, and had Sayoc transferred from county lockup directly to Trump 2020 Headquarters.
As campaign chairman, Sayoc is expected to oversee messaging for the Trump campaign, as well as appearing as a surrogate on cable news programs. “Sure, he may have tried to assassinate our news team,” explained CNN president Jeff Zucker, “but Sayoc’s explosive personality makes for great television. We’ll leave it up to the viewers to decide who is telling the truth: this deranged and homicidal lunatic, or Jim Acosta.”
Asked whether his hiring of Sayoc sent a dangerous and divisive partisan message to the country, Trump answered, “Why are these journalists still in here? Don’t make me get my campaign chairman to mail something to you!”
When asked how he will handle the responsibilities of his job despite never having run a national campaign before Sayoc stated, “Hillary Clinton is a lizard robot built by George Soros, and I have to blow her up to stop the caravan!”