The disturbing backstory of this grown ass man’s Minions costume - The Beaverton

The disturbing backstory of this grown ass man’s Minions costume

MONTREAL, QC — As he slid his denim overalls over his bright yellow sweater while dancing to Q Lazzarus’s “Goodbye Horses,” Lain McNeal whispered to himself, “Would you fuck me? I would fuck me.” Though Mr. McNeal’s costume was not of the gory or scary variety, partygoers unanimously agreed there was something deeply disturbing about seeing a grown ass man dressed as a Minion from the popular series.

Every time Lain shouted “!” over the music, the entire party shuddered and asked, “What dark forces have conspired to make this man dress up as a character from a children’s movie that has unequivocally faded from the cultural ?”

“A friend of a friend told me that Lain found the overalls out by the abandoned mental ,” said a man in a suit who wished to remain anonymous. “Apparently, they used to belong to a member of the custodial staff known for practicing amateur lobotomies on his lunch break. It sounds like he’s speaking Minionese, but it’s really the ghost of Janitor Jack speaking in tongues… to the devil!”

The Queen of Hearts standing next to Santa at the Halloween party offered another popular theory: “He’s been telling people that the costume is a political statement because have a strong union representing them, but I’ve seen all the movies and their workplace safety is not there. The people I’ve talked to think he’s just trying to cover up the fact that he forgot to get a costume and so he broke out the outfit he uses for his - as a last resort.”

Despite the rumourmill churning out many bone-chilling explanations for this affront on good taste, the truth was far more sad and disturbing than anyone could have imagined.

“It’s called !” Lain McNeal volunteered when asked directly about his costume. “I’m desperate for attention!” Mr. McNeal has received the attention he sought, but at what cost? Not only did has he generally upset everyone with his Minions costume, Illumination Studios, the creators and holders of Minions, have filed a lawsuit in the hundred millions against Mr. McNeal for unlicensed use of their intellectual property.

Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!