QUEEN’S PARK – Shortly after unveiling Ontario’s new “Open for Business” border signs, Premier Ford has announced that the province’s iconic “yours to discover” license plates will be discontinued and replaced by plates reading “washrooms are for customers only”.
“It’s important people realize that the province is only theirs to discover upon the receipt of sufficient payment,” said Jim Wilson, the Minister of Economic Development, Job Creation and Trade, in a press conference this week. “We want to impart to residents and visitors alike that their economic value will now be directly tied to their ability to access even the most basic services”.
It is unclear from the slogan which washrooms the slogan refers to, what exactly someone would have to do to be deemed a customer, and for how long they would be a washroom earning customer before reverting back to an un-customer state. But that isn’t stopping the PCs from predicting that the new slogan will bring in $3.1 billion in revenue.
Some have speculated the new license plates are inspired by the province’s recently announced “no loitering” policy, under which residents can be deported after failing to make a minimum purchase from a list of designated local mega-business-conglomerates. Others suggest they’re merely a way to discourage the public from using the Queen’s Park bathrooms and then not flushing the toilets.
The new slogan is part of the Ford government’s ongoing bid to rebrand the province as pro-business, which will also involve making the provincial flower a fifty dollar bill, and replacing the maple leaves on the province’s coat of arms with a CEO punching a union organizer. Ontario’s official motto will also receive an update — to “no shirt, no shoes, no service”.
Sources inside Queen’s Park suggest the PCs are also working on ways to reward corporations with previously free services, such as the new business class for provincial parks, and private “job creator” hospital wings. However, the government remains adamant that some things will remain free, specifically carbon pollution.