Stephen Hawking only dead in this universe
CAMBRIDGE, UK – Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, considered by many to be the most intelligent man in the world, has died in this iteration of the universe, but sources from multiple oth…
Ryerson bed bug the first in its family to attend university
TORONTO – A first year bed bug at Ryerson University has bucked a long-standing trend in its family by being the first to attend university. The parasitic insect came from a long line of bl…
New Brunswick Tourism Ad
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Local man still unaware late night TV hosts are powerless to prevent authoritarian takeover
PORTLAND, OR – After basking in the righteousness of another blistering monologue by Stephen Colbert, local liberal Moe Shuster remained blissfully unaware that comedic barbs will do nothin…
Murderess insists on being called “murderer” like her male counterparts
KINGSTON, ON – After prosecutors at her trial repeatedly referred to her as ‘murderess,’ Kaitlyn Hayworth, 27, Tuesday abruptly confessed, “I’m a murderer! Murderer! Get it right!” mid-tria…
All that stuff in the Harry Potter books wouldn’t have happened if the teachers had guns
Editorial by Larry Beaton For a month now people have been mocking President Trump, just because he had the audacity to suggest that our children would be safer in school if teachers were armed. …
After once again losing at Roll Up The Rim, local man breaks down and buys Jet Ski
Peterborough, ON – Suffering yet another horrific loss at Tim Horton’s quasi-gambling game, Roll Up The Rim, Scott Heller has decided that he can’t live a day longer without a Jetski. “I think so…
Iditarod favourite suffers heartbreaking loss after getting flat dog on last mile
ALASKA – Champion musher Joar Leifseth Ulsom suffered his worst loss ever after leading the entire Iditarod field until the final mile, when a stray nail deflated his front-left malamute. “…
Bachelorette party holds winery hostage for 45 minutes
PICTON, ON – An inebriated stand-off lasted for almost an hour between eight heavily heeled women, and about 20 innocent patrons and staff at Red Sail Winery. “Pass the bubbly, bitches!” ye…
Deep down, you always knew it was going to come to this
By: Doug Ford Did you expect anything else? In your heart of hearts, in the place where your greatest hopes and darkest fears reside, in that netherworld between sleep and nightmare at which poss…