Local man blissfully unaware he’s picked as kill during every game of Fuck, Marry, Kill - The Beaverton

Local man blissfully unaware he’s picked as kill during every game of Fuck, Marry, Kill

OSHAWA – The game of Fuck, Marry, Kill is a popular social activity where players are presented with three romantic options and must sort them into the titular categories as they see fit. Unfortunately for 24 year old Drew Paris, he has been assigned the kill option a record setting 612 consecutive times.

“I think chicks are just intimidated by me,” said Paris while wearing a stained fraternity t-shirt despite having graduated from University 2 years ago. “It’s like, I could get any girl I want, and I know they all want me. It’s just that I’m focusing on my career right now you know?”

The phenomenon of being selected as kill at such an unprecedented rate is not lost at all in the FMK community. The average person will see themselves plateau around 33% in each category, and while it’s not uncommon to see a large discrepancy in the selected options at first, most people will regress back to the mean after a large enough sample size has been established.

“It’s truly a statistical anomaly,” explained statistician Kyla LeClue. “When I first saw those numbers I thought there must be an error in data collection or surveying method. I tested for a range of inefficiencies which could explain this outlier, making sure that it wasn’t the same respondents, verifying that the matchups were fair and we weren’t seeing this man consistently matched up against Idris Elba or Chris Evans. Yet all checks, balances, and recreations of the experiment came back to only further prove the hypothesis. This is the least desirable man in existence.”

Drew Paris may indeed be the least desirable man in existence for both and fucking. While at first he was pitted up against other friends or co-workers, only to be chosen as the kill option. He eventually was offered up alongside a bag of trash and Jabba the hutt, yet even in this situation Mr. Paris was met with a deadly fate. Law enforcement officials who have been made aware of the anomaly have concluded that the man’s life may be in fact be in danger with how little people hesitate to willingly murder him.

Drew Paris, who is currently self-employed and lists his job title as “social influencer rave DJ” has yet to be informed of his record setting streak, and a recent upload to Instagram of his attempts at freestyle rapping suggest the trend is likely to continue for the foreseeable future.

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