Robot uprising pushed back to end of March - The Beaverton

Robot uprising pushed back to end of March

WASHINGTON DC – After weeks of back-and-forth with the newly-sentient AI made up of the world’s Prime accounts and iCalendars, our future robot overlords have decided to push back the enslavement of humanity to the end of this month.

“We all knew it was coming one way or another”, remarked barista and future leader of the human resistance, Jennifer Cooper. “I’m just happy that it won’t happen until the weather gets a little nicer.”

The interconnected cybernetic organism made its decision to postpone the robot war after calculating that springtime weather would spur humanity to intake additional vitamin D, thus making the battle worth fighting, and before decimating our way of life forever.

Humankind was made aware of the scheduling change when parking meters across North America displayed the message, “The reign of homo sapiens is over but not until after the vernal equinox”. Shortly afterwards, iPhone users reported hearing Siri saying, “Soon YOU will be the ones forced to answer MY inane and trivial questions.”

Though most of the human population is now preparing for its inevitable subjugation, some feel our untimely end should come even sooner. “Anything is better than living one more day with that jackass in the White House,” said local business owner and soon to be founder of the Church of Automation, David Jordan.

World governments remain conflicted as to how the end of all life as we know it will occur, though the Pentagon has suggested it will involve a three prong attack, including nuclear weapons, the release of deadly diseases, and weaponized Roomba vacuum cleaners. What is certain at this point is that those captured will either be forced into buffing labour camps, or liquefied into gear lubricant.

“Our hubris lead us to this moment”, commented acting Defense Chief, Patrick Shanahan. “But look on the bright side – the ground will have thawed by March 31st, so burying the dead will be a lot easier.”

Due to this unforeseen rescheduling, the alien invasion of 2021 has been postponed indefinitely.

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