5 purses for summer that are just various bags of takeout

With the inauguration of summer comes the inevitable transition from weighted winter sweaters to barely-there-bikinis. But finding the right purse to match your eazy-breezy summer vibe is no easy…

SPCA halts production on live-action Cats movie until all actors are spayed

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Fans of the legendary Broadway musical Cats were thrilled to watch the first trailer for its upcoming live-action film adaptation yesterday, but further production has been …

New photo filter shows what your data will look like when it’s shared with fascist governments

EDMONTON – Fresh on the heels of FaceApp’s popular old-age filter, social media users have discovered a shiny new plaything: ChonkyBrah, an app that shows with uncanny accuracy what it will…

A&W ‘Uncle Burger’ actually just burger that Dad knows from bar

NORTH VANCOUVER – Under increasing pressure from his suspicious son, Papa Burger was forced to admit that Uncle Burger is just a friend of the Burger family that he knows from the local bar…

Everyone on subway trying not to pet seeing eye dog

TORONTO – A tense standoff is currently taking place on a TTC subway car between its passengers and a guide dog that everyone is desperately trying not to touch. “I’m terrified I’m actually going…

Dumbest man you know doing pretty well these days

OTTAWA — College friend Brandon Ward, a man you know to be dumb as bricks, is reportedly doing pretty well these days. According to sources which include Facebook, the Facebook app, and your frie…

Scheer awards carton of chocolate milk medal of bravery for saving son’s life

OTTAWA – At a touching ceremony at Rideau Hall, Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer issued a medal of bravery to a stalwart carton of chocolate milk symbolizing how the dairy product of questio…

Alberta threatens that it is open to the idea of possibly considering the notion of maybe exploring the concept of seceding from Canada perhaps

CALGARY – A shocking poll has revealed that over half of Albertans are not only not not opposed to the idea of remaining a part of Canada, they are actively considering considering the oppo…

Nation’s architects admit they don’t know what they’re doing

CANADA – The country’s architects have admitted they have no idea what they’re doing when it comes to designing any building. “I just make shit up as I go along,” confessed Lennox Elm who s…

Uber driver has good chuckle about how he almost killed you both

TORONTO – This week, an Uber driver nearly drove his car into oncoming traffic, then made brief eye contact with you in the rearview mirror while chuckling about it. Rather than pulling over, or …