Election throwback: Pierre Trudeau appoints football Robert Stanfield fumbled to Senate
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. July 10th, 1974 OTTAWA – The football that foiled any chance of Prog…
Tory candidate dropped for not making bigoted remarks
OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada have removed one of their candidates from an Ontario riding after it was discovered she has not made any racist, homophobic, or slanderous remark t…
Free speech advocates upset Shane Gillis denied constitutional right to late night TV gig
NEW YORK CITY — Following an announcement that Saturday Night Live is officially cutting ties with Shane Gillis, self-proclaimed online defenders of the First Amendment insist that this is …
Mazel tov! Audrey Hepburn poster weds Bob Marley poster
TORONTO – In an unlikely yet widely celebrated union, an Audrey Hepburn poster married a Bob Marley poster at an intimate ceremony held in a first year Ryerson student’s dorm this weekend. …
Conservative tax break allows citizens to decide what government services they want cut
TORONTO – Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer has proposed giving individual taxpayers the option of choosing which government infrastructure, programs, and services to cut to pay for his pro…
Doug Ford vows to reach $15 billion deficit total he lied about before the end of his term
QUEEN’S PARK – During his 2018 election campaign, Ford claimed the Liberals had left him with a $15 billion deficit, now understood to be a much smaller sum of $7.8 billion, and has since promise…
“Just make oil prices leap to $120/barrel, and it will end,” says Jason Kenney waterboarding environmentalist
FORT McMURRAY, AB – After pouring a bucket of water over the head of a suspected environmentalist to simulate drowning, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney again demanded his chained captive raise…
Impacted molar can’t wait to prove smug “Canadian healthcare” retort wrong
LINDSAY, ON – Mere moments after local tooth owner James McKenzie confidently bragged to an American friend over the phone about the quality of Canadian healthcare, his impacted upper right…
Detained migrant child worried he’s doing a bad job of raising younger detained migrant child
EL PASO, TX — After accepting responsibility for fellow detained migrant child José Estada, age 3, Carlos Lopez, 11, has expressed concerns that he is not living up to the responsibility of…
Despite zero confirmations, The Beaverton’s National Leaders Debate will go ahead with empty podiums
TORONTO – The Beaverton’s National Leaders Debate will still go ahead tonight void of debaters despite having no confirmations from any of the leaders yet. Debate organizers assumed that th…
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