NEW YORK – Vibranium stocks and vibranium-rich mutual funds took a nosedive this morning as the United States announced a new series of tariffs on the tiny East African nation of Wakanda.
The world’s most technologically advanced civilization, and normally one of America’s most stable trading partners, Wakanda recently earned the ire of U.S. President Donald Trump, who claimed that Wakanda used its superior technology to hack Time magazine’s “Person of the Year” issue, denying Trump the win over climate-extinction activist and professional shade-thrower Greta Thunberg.
“This is just like what Agrabah did with the Emmys,” Trump tweeted, referring to the genie-rich Middle East caliphate run by a plucky former street rat. “If I was prezident back then I would have invaded that shithole and taken all of their oil and genie juice and The Apprentice would have won the Nobel prize for tv!”
Despite the loss of value on the NASDAQ, vibranium has continued robust trading in international markets. Though the rare element is highly prized for its weapon applications, its near indestructibility has made vibranium the go-to material for a wide variety of objects, ranging from single-use Keurig cups to Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s exoskeleton.
“We will continue to mine and export our minerals to the world just as we have for centuries — this changes nothing,” said Wakanda’s King T’Challa in a prepared statement. “We bear no ill will towards the American president, and as a gift from the people of our great nation, I have sent him a pair of tiny vibranium gloves to protect his obviously delicate hands.”
Meanwhile, the U.S. tariffs have opened the door for increased commerce between Wakanda and other trading partners who have expressed interest in the country’s textile exports, panther-theme tchotchkes, and rhinoceros-herder training programs.
Though seen by many as largely symbolic, the tariffs have had a ripple effect throughout the American government. On Trump’s order, the Department of Defense has decommissioned Captain America’s famous vibranium shield and replaced it with a copy of the Mueller report, which, although impervious to attack, is for some reason not being used as an offensive weapon.