J. K. Rowling announces that Hermione is a TERF - The Beaverton
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J. K. Rowling announces that Hermione is a TERF

EDINBURGH – In the latest of a slew of retconning, J. K. Rowling recently tweeted that the beloved know-it-all Hermione Granger is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist who is opposed to trans-rights.

“Hermione is smart, talented, and 100% gender critical,” Rowling posted in response to a fan’s question about Hermione’s favourite flavour of ice cream. “Hermione believes that sex is a biological fact determined by chromosomes, and that male predators will use trans-friendly legislation to assault women,” Rowling said, answering another question about what kind of dog Hermione likes best.

While some of Rowling’s retroactive worldbuilding of the Harry Potter universe has been met with approval by the fan community, such as the fact that Ron has always been a figment of Harry’s imagination, others, like Hermione’s transphobia or Rowling’s assertion that the goblins at Gringotts Wizarding Bank are not only Jewish caricatures but actual Jewish people cursed for their hereditary greed and forever damned in the eyes of Jesus Christ, have not been as well received.

Rowling has yet to comment on the growing controversy surrounding her new additions to Hermione’s character, with most of her Twitter activity devoted to plugging her latest novel about the unfair discrimination Death Eaters face in the wizarding job market for exercising their rights to free speech. To date, her only post addressing the backlash has been a single tweet saying “She’s called Hermione, not Theymione.”

Meanwhile, social scientists are impressed that Rowling has provided their research community with millions of literal cases of the usually hyperbolic term ‘my childhood is ruined.’