Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
VANCOUVER – A clever UBC grad has found an ingenious way to avoid paying her costly student debts by dying soon after graduation. “With age comes wisdom,” said 92-year-old Barbara Harrison …
Scientists glimpse beyond Beyond Meat, immediately driven insane by forbidden flavours
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia were found yammering incoherently after piercing the scientific veil and briefly seeing what lies beyond Beyond Meat. The scien…
Canadians barricading homes in anticipation for 8 more weeks of election bullshit
OTTAWA – Canadians across the country have spent their weekends filling sandbags, barricading their doors, and stocking supplies in preparation for the 2019 election bullshit. “The writ has…
Trump corrects Ezra Levant’s tweet rupturing fake news space-time continuum
WASHINGTON – A fake news black hole has emerged along the Canada-US border after US President Donald Trump corrected far-right pundit Ezra Levant about his tweet calling Canadian Prime Mini…
Study: More people prefer to jump out 11th storey window instead of sharing elevator
WINDSOR – Research conducted at the University of Windsor has revealed that 73% of people living in apartment buildings would plummet from an 11th storey window instead of sharing an elevat…
Boeing unveils new jet that looks suspiciously like two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat
SEATTLE, WA – Boeing unveiled a new aircraft today that some analysts are concerned is actually just two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat. The embattled manufacturer has been under mounting pressu…
Getting your body sweater ready for Fall
Leaves changing, plummeting temps, and the scent of pumpkin spice filling the air; fall is just around the corner. But what will the change of the season mean for your beach bod? Follow these tip…
Charles Koch unfortunately still alive
WICHITA, KS – Charles Koch, the billionaire industrialist and climate-change denier whose political machinations are credited with fomenting America’s current fractious political climate an…
Friend promises TV show is really good once you get past the first three seasons
KITCHENER, ON – Local friend Nadia Ramirez insists her favourite TV show gets really good after you suffer through the first three seasons, and also most of season 5. Ramirez has reportedly not s…
Canadian government deeply concerned fires destroying Amazon rainforest might singe Canadian mines
OTTAWA – Following troubling reports of the massive, environmentally devastating fires currently tearing through the Amazon, the Trudeau government is expressing deep concern that the fires…
