Chinese government incarcerates family of dead moon plant for failing the Party
BEIJING — In a swift and brutal raid last night, Chinese state officials arrested and jailed the family of the cotton sprout that withered and died just days after becoming the first plant …
Millennial taking spectre of nuclear war in stride
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Sources report thirty year old Caitlin Barnes is “pretty laid back” despite the very real possibility a single tweet could incinerate the world in a massive radioactive in…
Ford government solves Toronto housing crisis for everyone who is an MPP
TORONTO – In a surprise move sure to boost the party’s popularity among Torontonians, the Ontario Conservative government has completely solved Toronto’s housing crisis for ever…
Two weeks into diet, popcorn ceiling looking a little too delicious
RICHMOND HILL, ON – After a shaky start to her new year’s resolutions, a local woman’s diet progress collapsed when her popcorn ceiling started to look devilishly tempting. Helena Miller re…
We asked 7 kids to describe their imaginary friend and they all precisely described Gary Busey
Remember when you were a kid and had an imaginary friend that went everywhere you did and only you could see? Maybe he was a 20 foot tall dinosaur, or a wacky clown, or even another kid just like…
Psychopath still wishing everyone Happy New Year
HAMILTON – Although it is now well into January, local maniac Andy Gerhard is still going around wishing people a “Happy New Year.” “It came up completely out of the blue,” said Gerha…
Film trailer boldly deploys “I Feel Good” by James Brown
MONCTON – A trailer for upcoming romantic comedy “Emma’s Love Letter” broke all boundaries this weekend when it opted to utilize James Brown’s “I Feel Good” to underscore clips from the film. “At…
Quiz: Hey you look like a smart person, do you want the chance to work for yourself and be your own boss?
Are you a confident, self motivated person who will build wealth for themselves and their family, or are you some dumb schmuck who is destined to toil away in a nondescript office park forever? T…
Female championship gamer admits she really was faking it to attract men all along
TORONTO — After 10 years, thousands of hours of obsessive gameplay, and four world championship wins, gaming prodigy Jasmine Johnson has finally announced the truth about why, as a woman, s…
Egyptian museum claims dibs on Tower of London after UK falls into post-Brexit turmoil
CAIRO – An Egyptian museum focusing on fallen human civilizations has called dibs on the Tower of London now that the country is expected to fall into complete turmoil now that Boris Johnso…
