Charles Koch unfortunately still alive - The Beaverton
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Charles Koch unfortunately still alive

WICHITA, KS – , the billionaire industrialist and climate-change denier whose political machinations are credited with fomenting America’s current fractious political climate and hurtling humanity toward our inevitable doom, is unfortunately still alive. He is 83.

As America mourned the death of Charles’ younger brother, , who succumbed to a 20-year battle with prostate cancer on Friday, their was compounded by the inexplicable continued existence of Charles. While David is generally credited as the altruist of the family, contributing millions to arts, science, and educational initiatives over the years, Charles is widely recognized as the man most responsible for rendering David’s philanthropic pursuits essentially meaningless in the long run.

“I send my heartfelt condolences to the entire Koch family in this difficult time,” tweeted U.S. Secretary of State Michael Pompeo, who was purchased by Koch industries in 2010 for $83,500. “I know that Charles is committed to preserving his brother’s legacy for the brief time the human race has left on this planet.”

The Koch brothers are currently co-listed by Forbes as the 11th richest men in the world, each worth $50.5 billion. They were born into fortune, inheriting their father’s oil refinery and chemicals business, which they’ve since expanded to include minerals, fertilizers, lumber, and 72% of the Republican Party.

Known as a staunch libertarian and the driving force behind the Tea Party movement, Charles has poured vast sums of money into right-wing “think”-tanks, anti-Obama groups, and climate-change disinformation campaigns, all in a concerted effort to achieve a global free enterprise system and corner the market on breathable air.

“It’s a cruel twist of fate that we lost the one Koch brother who gave a shit about his fellow man,” stated Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in a press release. “David Koch left behind a rich legacy for us to enjoy long after his passing, unlike Charles, who when he goes wants to take us all with him.”

In accordance with his will, David Koch will be cremated and his remains spread over the Amazon, which Charles has already turned to ash in anticipation of his arrival.