KAMLOOPS, BC – As the beginning of autumn arrives, small towns are warning that September marks the beginning of sewer clown season and citizens should be on alert to avoid encountering these aggressive pests.
“Sewer clowns are an invasive species that have crowded out native creatures like sewer mimes, landfill harlequins, and storm drain jesters,” said UBC entomologist Julia Schwartz. “It’s been some time since the last emergence of these subterranean clowns, so we’re predicting this season will be a bad one.”
“While they’re very occasionally spotted in the sewers of large cities like Vancouver or Chicago, the North American sewer clown prefers to nest in small, picturesque former logging towns with dark sewers and even darker secrets,” Schwartz said.
Municipalities are dealing with the clowns in a myriad of ways, from ignoring their existence because the clowns are enmeshed with the very souls of the towns they inhabit in a malevolent, parasitic relationship spanning centuries, to periodic chemical spraying.
“We do encourage people not to interact with these clowns, because however harmless it may appear, it is definitely not more afraid of you than you are of it,” said a Kamloops public works officer. “If you see one in a sewer, basement, or festering abandoned house, simply leave it be.”
“And never, ever speak of what horrors it showed you. To anyone. Ever.”
Urban areas are preparing for their own clownish onslaught this year, as experts are predicting a bumper crop of failed comedian cosplay clowns will begin arriving in October.