EDMONTON, AB — Earlier today, during a pool party at his neighbour’s house, Tommy Watkins, 7, successfully executed an unnoticed pee in the pool.
“When you love playing in the pool as much as I do, there’s simply no time for bathroom breaks,” stated Watkins, between healthy sips of a Capri-Sun, prompting us to assume that his next pee was likely just around the corner.
Watkins displayed a shocking level of skill and refinement, quietly leaving the shallow end to relieve himself in the less populated deep end. His process, however, was much more involved than a simple relocation. In order to properly avoid whistle-blowers, Watkins looked to his left, then to his right, ensuring that the coast was clear. Then, just before he was ready to go he yelled “noodle fight” to distract any potential witnesses. No evidence was left behind as he kept the water moving with the egg-beater he learned in his level 5 swimming class. Witnesses later described it as “the perfect crime.”
“That kid just loves the pool so darn much, he never gets out!” said the foolishly ignorant pool owner Rob Dawson, whose pool, unbeknownst to him, was brimming with Watkins’ pee.
Other children at the pool, unfortunately did not have the nuanced subtly of Watkin’s technique. For example, Roy Simmons, who peed two feet away from the pool – on the deck.
Yes, there have been a few occasions where Watkins has been accused of creating, “a warm area” or making the water, “kinda yellow” but as a master of his craft he is also skilled in the art of deflection. When Ashely and Susie attempted to accuse Watkins of peeing he countered with a definitive, “did not!”
“Peeing in Rob’s pool is child’s play,” stated Watkin’s as he lounged in Dawson’s hot tub, “I’m shooting for bigger targets like the public pool on 1st street and eventually, when I’m ready,” Watkins paused for effect, “the wave pool.”
At press time, the party had scattered and Dawson was found angrily draining the pool after an over-confidant Watkins was caught pooping in the pool.