“I’m a regular,” brags intimacy-starved woman at COVID nasal swab site
TORONTO – Marsha King, a 30-year-old single woman who has been without real human contact for over five months due to the pandemic, was recently overheard proudly declaring that she had obtained …
Scheer remembers he lost the election
OTTAWA, ON – This week in the House of Commons Andrew Scheer rose to question Prime Minister Trudeau, however eyewitnesses report that he instead muttered “Oh God, I just remembered I lost …
Bloc leader vows to trigger, lose election
MONTREAL – This Wednesday, Bloc Québécois Leader Yves-François Blanchet has threatened to force a federal election in the fall, an election that he promises to lose. Blanchet’s remark comes…
Petite woman excited to flaunt child-sized mask
MISSISSAUGA, ON- 5’1” woman Alexandra Vega cannot be more eager to tell the world that she yet again is not like other girls, because adult-sized masks are too large for her perfectly small and f…
Drake caught sneaking into Raptors’ bubble again
ORLANDO – International recording superstar and desperate Raptors fanboy Drake was once again caught trying to sneak into the Raptors’ quarantine zone in Disney World. “Come on,…
Editorial: Fine I’ll wear a mask but I want people to see my new nose job
Editorial by Tiffany Renaldo I finally got the nose that I have dreamt about, but no one has even seen it because of these damn masks! Normally in March my Daddy sends me on a trip to Barbados, b…
Career woman settles
WASHINGTON – Sources confirm that US Senator, former prosecutor and California Attorney General, and lifelong career gal Kamala Harris has finally decided to share her ticket with someone. “Sure,…
Buffalo welcomes Jays with ballpark renovations that include robotic fan chucking beer cans onto the field
BUFFALO – In an attempt to welcome the Toronto Blue Jays into their 2020 home, Buffalo’s Sahlen Field has added a number of details to make the Blue Jays feel like they are playing at the R…
Putin assures world COVID-19 vaccine has been rigorously tested on political opponents
MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the successful development of the world’s first COVID-19 vaccine, which was rigorously tested on his political opponents and journali…
Super Soaker wielding Priest just baptized the shit out of this kid
Goderich, ON — Since the COVID outbreak, the Catholic church has begun social distance baptizing, arming their priests with holy water-guns, shooting from the hip to bring young children into the…
