Super Mario 3D All-Stars Review: Your family doesn’t love you, only Mario loves you - The Beaverton
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Super Mario 3D All-Stars Review: Your family doesn’t love you, only Mario loves you

Super 3D All-Stars: 4/5 stars – Lets-a-go back in time with the new collection including Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine, and Super Mario Galaxy which after purchasing will shower you in the love that only a-me, Mario, can give you because your family secretly despises you behind your back!

First, dive into my all-time classic Super Mario 64 for the 64. Relive the magic of finding all of the 120 stars along with your pal, Mario, who is always there for you. Mario isn’t like Trent, your mother’s new boyfriend who doesn’t “get” you. Mario will ‘a-go’ with you anywhere! One day your family will die, but Mario never will. He has a-so many lives!

Next, take a trip back to Isle Delfino in Super Mario Sunshine. Collect all 120 shine sprites with Mario without anyone telling you you can’t “afford” to go on vacation this year. The tropical setting of Super Mario Sunshine has aged quite well, unlike your relationship with your sister who never apologized for pulling down your pants in front of your cousins at Thanksgiving dinner when you were 7. Mario would never pull down your pants.

Mario loves you and wants to be with you forever. Can your parents hug you? Sure but they don’t want to. The only familial connection you need is Luigi’s dead stare. Oh, your father is also an Italian plumber? Well is he happy? Mario is happy. Sounds a-like Martin is-a not.

Finally, take your relationship with Mario to the stars with Super Mario Galaxy. Can your family take you to space? Didn’t think so. That’s some Mario-only shit. Help Mario save Princess Peach, oh yeah, she loves you too. She’s waiting for you to rescue her. Does your partner even think you’re capable of that? Probably not. So why are you spending money on them when you could spend it on Mario?

Mario has been there since you were a kid supporting you, and now Nintendo and a-Mario need a little something in return. So get your wallet out and send us a-money for the games you already have because only our a-love is real and your nostalgia is how Mario sustains his immortality. That’s right, get a new credit card for Mario. Show a-me that you-a care!

Enjoyed this review? Then check out our review on the newest Legend of Zelda remake where Princess Zelda will say yes to all your requests, unlike Sarah from History class who will not go to prom with you.