WASHINGTON, D.C. – Watch out, the patriarchy! Total girlboss Amy Coney-Barrett is on her way to joining the Supreme Court, where she’ll use her combination glass-ceiling-slash-civil-rights-smashing hammer of justice to reunite the long-separated church and state!
There’s so much to love about Notorious A.C.B and her quest to Make America Gilead Again. First of all, she’s a white woman who has excelled at what is traditionally a boy job, which we think is pretty #empowering. And she did it all while having children. Can you believe?! It’s hard to understand how she juggles her love of work, family, and oppressing the electorate, but nevertheless, Amy persisted.
As a lifelong Catholic, Amy Coney-Barrett’s good Christian values are on fleek. Too often we forget about that part in the Bible where Jesus did a big thumbs up while standing on the grave of some guy who died because he couldn’t afford insulin. But A.C.B remembers, and given her judicial record, we could be living in that beautiful Biblical image any day now. Incredible!
And we haven’t even talked about Roe v. Wade. When’s the last time you had a hyper-religious Catholic man up in those guts? Amy Coney-Barrett wants to make sure your answer to that question is “always, because the government has annexed my uterus in the name of a fetus I have not yet conceived.” It takes a bad bitch to reunite the church and state, but it takes the baddest bitch to make that reunion happen inside of every pussy in America. And Amy Coney-Barrett? She’s the baddest bitch.
Oh, and remember the 2000 election, where George W. Bush got assertive and did some serious manifesting on a ton of contested ballots in Florida? Well, it turns out the second Bush presidency might not have happened without the help of then-associate and paragon of Christ-adjacent girl power Amy Coney-Barrett, who was there on the ground with Bush’s legal team. Get in losers, we’re stealing a second contested election!
For too long, America has thought of the Church and State like Ross and Rachel: they were on a break. But Amy Coney-Barrett, feminist icon, knows the truth: they’ve basically been MFEO this whole time, and it’s time to end the will-they-won’t-they once and for all. If that’s not leaning in, I don’t know what is!