Toronto police address road safety crisis by teaching pedestrians to die more discreetly
TORONTO – Facing criticism for insufficient traffic enforcement and an increase in fatalities, the Toronto Police have unveiled a new workshop series for pedestrians, showing them how to die in a…
Medical resident who hasn’t slept in 36 hours wonders which patient he left his keys in
TORONTO – A sleep deprived medical resident finishing his required 36-hour shift has forgotten which patient he left his keys in. “Ah shit, not again,” Dr. Tate Williamson, rummaging throug…
Bruce Wayne warns wealth tax on billionaires could result in fewer crimes foiled via jet-powered cars
GOTHAM CITY — Following proposals for a wealth tax by Democratic primary candidate Elizabeth Warren, billionaire Bruce Wayne warned this tax could lead to a massive drop in colorful crimina…
Holy shit! Winnipeg wins something!
CALGARY – Early reports indicate that a team or organization relating to, or originating from, the city of Winnipeg has finally won a championship above the amateur level. Portage and Main …
Inspiring: Jennifer Aniston on turning 50, ghastly aging painting in attic
LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston, radiant as ever at fifty, revealed that the secret to her perfect, wrinkle-free skin is a regular exfoliation routine, a daily meditation practice, and a gho…
Scientists admit current estimates of how old the universe is are based entirely on how many CDs it owns
GENEVA – A bombshell paper recently published in the Journal of Astrophysics about the age of the universe has revealed that all current estimates are based entirely on the size and composi…
Stormwatch: That one restaurant patio is still open
TORONTO — Following the recent first major snowfall of the year, Torontonians are bundling up in preparation for the long, cold winter ahead. However, Big Louie’s Bar and Grill has attracted atte…
Support for impeachment reaches 99% among occupants of White House
WASHINGTON D.C. – Recent polling data has astounded political experts with results suggesting that support for the impeachment of President Donald Trump has reached 99% among those who live and w…
Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs
VANCOUVER – The hit new show Impeachment Inquiry has relocated its set from Washington DC to Vancouver saving US networks millions in production costs. The CSPAN drama featuring rising star…
Podcaster Don Cherry’s attempt to read MeUndies ad quickly goes off the rails
Mississauga, ON – In the midst of recording a new episode of his podcast ‘Grapevine’ host Don Cherry’s attempt to read aloud an ad for online underwear vendor MeUndies too…