Webster’s dictionary changes definition of ‘sarcasm’ to ‘I totally meant what I said but now I got in trouble for it so I’m going to backpedal’

Springfield, MA – Merriam-Webster’s dictionary has changed the definition of the term ‘sarcasm’ to ‘I totally meant what I said but now I got in trouble for it so I’m going to backpedal,’ i…

Twitter confident most users will pay for the privilege of getting called a dumb bitch

SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter confirmed today that it is looking to boost falling revenues by asking users to pay money in order to be harassed by strangers online. “We are exploring ways to give…

Gay Man hospitalized for Drag Race Exhaustion

VANCOUVER – A local man has been hospitalized for what medical professionals are calling “a severe case of DRE: Drag Race Exhaustion”. Paramedics were reportedly called in after…

Companies furious employees choosing CERB over work briefly consider paying more

TORONTO – Companies outraged that employees would choose to take the $2,000.00 Emergency Response Benefit over returning to work 40-50 hours per week in the midst of a pandemic briefly cons…

Blue Jays offer to change name to something racist in order to find new home in U.S.

Anywhere but TORONTO – After the Toronto Blue Jays have been barred from playing in their home city and rejected by Pittsburgh, the desperate team has stated they are willing to change thei…

Doug Ford tells young people with COVID-19 to stop partying and start waiting tables indoors

TORONTO – In response to an increase in the proportion of new coronavirus infections among people in their 20s and 30s in Ontario, premier Doug Ford has urged young people to stop partying …

Tooth Fairy admits she would also pay for other body parts

OSLO – In an exclusive interview with Norway’s NRK1, the Tooth Fairy, a magical being who is known for slipping into children’s rooms at night and leaving money in exchange for one of their…

Fuck it. Let’s do the pros and cons of glory holes

The British Columbian Centre for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s re…

Outbreaks at bars, parties tarnish otherwise impeccable reputation of drunk people

KELOWNA, BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars, large parties, and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguis…

Trump introduces “choose your own adventure” pandemic protocol

Washington D.C. – As the number of COVID cases skyrockets in the United States, Trump and his administration have officially instituted a “choose your own adventure” protocol to tackling th…