TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city’s notoriously exclusive ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ constituencies.
As the protest filled Toronto’s Yonge Dundas Square, many reported seeing proud members of the moron community mingling and allying with outspoken assholes as far as the eye could see. The event’s organizers cheered on the two camps for finding mutual ground.
“While the evils of social distancing and actually following public health guidelines loom large, today’s turnout encourages me,” shouted anti-mask advocate Chris Sky, founder of MAD (Mother’s Against Distancing). “Not only have we finally bridged the gap between Toronto’s genuinely clueless morons and its insufferable assholes, but we’ve bridged that gap in a public setting where we can all breath and cough on one another to our heart’s content!”
Sky then led the assembled morons and assholes in an impromptu group makeout session with “whatever strangers are nearby!”
For decades Toronto’s assholes and morons have been at odds, stemming back to a failed protest during the Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918. “These two loud and awful groups have always been at odds,” explained University of Toronto History professor Oliver Winston. “They had intended to meet up in Christie Pits to protest on behalf of the Spanish Flu, but the morons were so stupid that they got lost, leaving the assholes to begin a riot by fighting themselves.”
“Since then, Toronto’s assholes and morons were bitter enemies,” Winston concluded. “How fitting that they would be reunited a century later, by a similar pandemic.”
Back in Yonge Dundas square, observers described the mixed asshole/moron crowd as uniformly “loud and misinformed”.
“It’s kind of hard to tell the assholes and the morons apart,” explained Whitney Parks, a masked passerby. “They’re all yelling about something called a ‘scamdemic’ and some of them are waving misspelled Qanon placards, so it feels like some of them might be assholes AND morons.”
Members of the anti-mask protest were similarly vague on their asshole vs moron leanings. “Hey, it’s my right under the Constitution to not wear anything on my face, and if you don’t like it I’ll fight you,” shouted one unmasked Torontonian wearing a Confederate Flag as a cape.
Another unmasked attendee simply shouted “Joe Rogan rules! WOO!” leaving asshole/moron observers to label him “a genuine tossup”.
At press time tensions have erupted in the city’s asshole and moron communities as both sides have laid equal claim to the practice of loudly gunning a motorcycle engine on an echo-y downtown street while people are trying to eat outside.