BRAMPTON, ON – Canadian grocery retailer, Loblaws, announced today that their newest commercial will see long time spokesperson and CEO Galen Weston Jr. replaced by a self checkout machine. The ...
Tampa Bay Lightning snap nine month Stanley Cup drought
TAMPA BAY, FL – The Tampa Bay Lightning have finally broken their Stanley Cup drought, a wait spanning three-quarters of a year. The team franchise has not engraved its name on Lord Stanley’s Cu...
Time-travelling Bible author horrified to discover people took his fantasy novel literally
MORRIS, MB ― A disruption occurred at a local library last week, caused by a man who claimed to be the author of the Book of Genesis. Patrons of the library reported discovering him poring over a copy...
Perfectionist locked in agonizing 16-month quandary over which mask to buy
REGINA – Anna Paulson has been visiting Aisle 15 of the Shoppers Drug Mart at Victoria Square at 12 p.m. every day for over one year mulling over which mask to buy. With eyes wide open and visible swe...
Trudeau pledges to begin all land acknowledgements with another, less sincere land acknowledgement
OTTAWA – In light of renewed attention to the horrors of residential schools, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced that he will be taking immediate action on reconciliation by beginning a...
Coworker tries to convince you that memory of her shitting pants is the Mandela effect
LONDON, ON – An ontological nightmare has ravaged downtown’s Tabby Kitten Cafe after your coworker and local barista, Noelle Burns, tried to convince the staff that the memory of her shitt...
Authentic plant-based meat adds gristly mushroom bits for consumers to gag on
EL SEGUNDO, CA – As part of their ongoing quest to create a plant-based meat that accurately mirrors real meat in every way, Beyond Meat has begun sprinkling inedible vegan gristle into their pr...
Pentagon announces plan to Irish Goodbye troops out of Afghanistan
WASHINGTON DC – The Pentagon has officially announced today that it will Irish Goodbye American troops out of Afghanistan. The decision was made after months of deliberation on the best way to e...
Local woman spices up life by swinging wildly between depression and anxiety
EDMONTON, AB – Local interior designer Rebecca McCallops has found a new lease on her otherwise humdrum life by veering wildly between bouts of depression and anxiety. “I was in a really healthy...
