By @Conrad_Lifts Hey everyone! How’s it going? Fair warning: I’m still buzzing with endorphins after my second F45 class of the day, so apologies for any twpos! Regardless, I’ll do my best to co...
Trump definitely going to jail, claims reporter who’s new here
NEW YORK CITY – With numerous devastating charges laid against the Trump Organization by New York prosecutors, the 45th President of the United States is certain to spend the rest of his life be...
Catholic church one broken commandment away from bingo
OTTAWA, ONT – The Catholic church is reportedly one broken commandment away from getting a full card bingo. “It’s a real nail-biter,” began Father Owen Karmichael, after flashing his almost comp...
Cosby conviction overturned after court rules that at least 1000 more women needed to have come forward
PENNSYLVANIA — Despite being credibly accused of sexual assault by sixty women and serving just under three years of a possible 10 year sentence, Bill Cosby was released from prison today after ...
Donald Rumsfeld to finally get chance to confront Saddam Hussein
THE AFTERLIFE – Former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who died today at the age of 88, will reportedly get his long-awaited chance to confront deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein as t...
Exasperated nerds threaten to talk about history of Suriname until hockey fans shut up
OTTAWA ― With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, the Canadian Civil Organization of Nerds (CanCON) has warned that the usual non-stop talk about the NHL will be met with swift retaliation this year. “Wh...
Vaccine-hesitant man now forced to pick from weird brands he’s never heard of
MOOSEJAW, SK — After months of hemming and hawing, local pipe-fitter Alvin Cummings finally booked his first-dose vaccination at a local clinic and upon arriving was dismayed to learn that they no lon...
“So I can’t wish people a ‘Happy Canada Day’ anymore?” asks man who has literally never done that
Bradford, ON – Local man Gerry Framer is outraged that the collective reckoning over whether Canada is a country that deserves to be celebrated in light of the atrocities we have committed means...
Local man in line confusingly announces he won’t be tipping his vaccine nurse
WESTMOUNT, QC – Local resident Glerbert Memps was waiting in line to receive his first COVID vaccine shot when he loudly announced to the strangers behind him that he would definitely not be tip...
Doctor unsure if woman has Munchausen Syndrome or if she’s faking it
ANN ARBOR- A medical mystery is plaguing local family physician Dr. Kyle Bryan as he debates a diagnosis of either Munchausen Syndrome or faking it. “Yeah, it’s a real challenge,” said Dr Bryan as he ...
