Facebook sad face a real time-saver for those expressing condolences for dead grandmother
BURLINGTON – Users of popular social networking site Facebook are warmly receiving the new reaction icons that replaced the “Like” icon previously featured on the site, noting they are particular…
Federal Court gives medical marijuana patients right to grow pot even though Evan has the good shit
VANCOUVER – The Federal Court of Canada handed down a landmark decision today that grants patients prescribed marijuana the right to grow their own plants despite Evan already having pretty…
Johnson & Johnson sued for $72m after baby powder revealed to contain actual powdered babies
JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI – A jury in the state of Missouri has ordered cosmetic company Johnson & Johnson to pay $72 million in damages after its trademark Baby Powder was found to contain “l…
Canadians banned from Wheel of Fortune for calling the letter ‘Zed’
LOS ANGELES – Sony Productions has announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed on long-running American game show Wheel of Fortune due to irreconcilable cultural differences regardin…
Israel pulls back West Bank settlements after McGill student union BDS vote
TEL AVIV — After hearing about McGill’s student society’s vote to support the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions Movement against Israel, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has ordere…
Bernie Sanders supporters furious that cat food commercial fails to mention Bernie Sanders
Supporters of democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders have declared all-out online warfare against Purina One Smartblend cat food after their new commercial “utterly neglected” to make a…
Local dad’s four shares plummeting
BRAMPTON – Cries of distress have been heard from the basement of local man Geoffrey Costa this afternoon, after he returned home from work to discover that he had lost nearly $100 in the markets…
Bald eagle wins America’s Got Talons for ninth straight season
NEW YORK – In a completely unsurprising development, Iggy, a 10-year-old bald eagle from a mangrove swamp in Florida, has once again emerged triumphant in the latest season of America’s Got…
Small-dicked Neo-Nazis proud they now much closer to resembling Hitler
REGINA – Neo-Nazis worldwide are rejoicing this week amid the revelation that Adolf Hitler, former genocidal Chancellor of Germany from 1933-1945, had a micro-penis. The celebrations come as a re…
Tories blast Liberal budget for not having imaginary surplus
OTTAWA — Interim Conservative Leader Rona Ambrose is blasting the governing Liberals for a reckless budget that proposes no theoretical federal surplus. “Running an acknowledged deficit onc…