ALASKA – Despite his super yacht being the nearest vessel to a small boat in trouble, Mark Zuckerberg revealed the simple reason he did not respond to the distress call was that he had muted the conversation.
“Yeah, so, um,” said the multi-billionaire who made his fortune by exploiting your personal information, “We were having a really great afternoon doing things mere mortals only dream about, when kept getting these messages over and over. They said things like: ‘Help! We’re in trouble! Help us please!’ It was really bringing the vibe down.”
“I mean, lots of people are in trouble and need help,” Zuckerberg continued. “I hear it all the time from parents of teens on Insta who are self-harming. It was repetitive and annoying, so I muted their radio feed.”
“It is only because I have such deep empathy that I didn’t block them entirely,” said the dead-eyed dopamine exploiter.
In the end a nearby small cruise ship came to the aid of the vessel in trouble – a duty encoded in maritime law.
“Human beings are required to save the lives of other human beings if they can do so at sea,” said maritime law expert Ian Ralby. “Which is the loophole that Zuckerberg exploited by not remotely appearing to be human.”
At press time, a spokesperson has clarified that the yacht would have responded immediately if the distress call had been made inside the Metaverse.
