OTTAWA – In a major discovery, Science Minister Kirsty Duncan has found that Parliamentary Pages solve her mazes an average of 20% faster, after a course of Serum injections.
“On the left, you’ll see the intern looks scared, confused,” said Duncan, showing the House side-by-side videos of Parliamentary Page Cameron Robertson-Gillis sprinting through a research maze. “But on the right, after the injections, you’ll see he looks cold, collected, perfected.”
In addition to mazes, the Pages now also solve logic puzzles an average of 30% faster, and have the force of will to stare down an adult chimpanzee.
“You’ll notice in this video that the chimp’s nose actually starts to bleed,” said Duncan, playing a video that showed Page Alisha Varma holding the ape’s head between her hands, and staring deeply into its helpless eyes. “Fascinating. More research is required.”
While Members of the House were unaware the Science Minister had been experimenting on their Pages, they say it does explain the ‘strange, subtle changes’ that seem to have come over their young helpers.
“I used to have to wait for a glass of water, but now every time I ask for one, it comes preternaturally quickly,” said Tory MP Lisa Raitt, while Page Aidan Guerreiro handed her a stack of photocopies she hadn’t actually asked for yet. “I don’t think Kirsty is technically supposed to experiment on the interns, but wow, talk about good service.”
“Also I’ve been getting an awful lot of headaches when they’re around”
This is the first time Duncan has experimented on the Parliamentary Pages since the 17.4 kHz hum of the House air conditioner made all of last year’s batch simultaneously burst.