The Beaverton

Wealthy Canadians demand the Liberals also raise taxes on the capital gains of the poor

Liberal budget promises 10 bajillion dollars to whatever thing you’re into

10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz

Passion play using distractingly hot Christ

Newly discovered cave paintings indicate early humans were stick men

In honour of Mulroney, national funeral to be privatized

Peter Mansbridge retiring in order to spend more time lobbing softball questions at his family

Eminent journalist Peter Mansbridge, host of CBC’s The National and revered across the country for his ability to sit down with world leaders and ask them what their ideal Sunday mor…

Breaking: orgy house forgot about trick-or-treaters again

Abbotsford, B.C. – After swearing they weren’t going to make the same mistake this year, Jim and Marlene Smith once again scheduled their big fall orgy to take place on the same night as Ha…

QUIZ: Is the call coming from inside the house?

It’s late at night. A storm rages outside. Thunder booms so loudly you’re starting to think the whole house might collapse. The lights flicker on and off, and the phone rings. You wonder to yours…

New Canadian Heritage Minute is surprisingly self-aware

Making parodies about Heritage Minutes. A part of our history since 5 minutes after the first Heritage Minute premiered.…

Uberpool replaces tinder as the top app to meet psychopaths

PALO ALTO – A study of Google Play and the App Store indicates that Uberpool has surpassed Tinder, Grindr, and Pokemon Go as the top app to meet local psychopaths. “Uberpool is just so much…

EDITORIAL: Stop freaking out because I’m waving this loaded gun around, by Maxime Bernier

By Maxime Bernier Can everyone please calm the fuck down? Tabarnak. Look, just because I’m reaching out to Canada’s firearms manufacturers and gun owners to raise money for my leadership bid, doe…

Canadian Blood Services’ ban on gay blood donors

The Beaverton uncovers the real reason Canadian Blood Services won’t let gay men donate blood.…

New STI discovered in Victoria nursing home

Victoria, BC – Health Canada admitted this morning that a new sexually transmitted infection has been discovered in nursing home resident Gladys Newcombe. “This new STI causes terrible pain…

5 sexy joke Halloween costumes to spark an evening of ironic intercourse

Halloween. Pumpkins. Candy. Fun parties. And sex you as woman would otherwise feel shame for seeking out. Check out our Halloween guide below to make your perfect costume for trick-or-treating yo…