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Local man who owns kettlebell somehow still completely out of shape

– After possessing a twenty-five pound for over three years, Patrick Donaldson continues to lack anything that one could describe as .

“I’m as shocked as you are”, said the man who hadn’t lifted the cast iron weight since he purchased it. “I’ve posted dozens of photos of the thing on my Facebook page but I still get winded walking up my front steps. I just don’t get it?”

Despite having a membership to Kettlebell Weekly and using the Russian device as a doorstop, Donaldson’s cholesterol remains above normal and his grocery list consistently includes double stuffed Oreos.

“Maybe it’s broken?” he remarked, adding “But that doesn’t make sense because I literally never touch it. Do you think I should buy another one just in case?”

Fitness expert Jessica Foster is familiar with this reaction, “many people who buy exercise equipment never receive the benefits of the products. That’s why I offer one-on-one sessions where I work with people to build the strength to return the equipment long before they get sick of looking at it.”

Mr. Donaldson recently purchased a yoga mat in hopes that it might help change his situation. “I see really fit people walking around with these all the time, so maybe if I start doing that I can lose some weight and strengthen my core?”

At press time Donaldson had taken out a tub of to let thaw before eating it right out of the container.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book