QUIZ: Are you homophobic, Islamophobic or arachnophobic? - The Beaverton
http://www.istockphoto.com/ca/photo/phobia-gm478625633-36015800

QUIZ: Are you homophobic, Islamophobic or arachnophobic?

With so many irrational fears out there these days, it’s hard to keep track of what you have an extreme, deep-seated aversion toward. So much that it can be damn near impossible to figure out if the revulsion you’re feeling is a fear of the cultural Other, fear of same sex coupling, or merely the fear of eight-legged crawling creatures that live by entrapping their prey and sucking the life out of it. Take this fun quiz to find out if you’re homophobic, Islamophobic or arachnophobic!

1. What idea strikes the most fear into your heart?
The idea of two men kissing as their mandibles entangle with their oral fluids
Syrian refugees building their nest next door to you
The world famous Tarantula float at the Pride parade
2. What traumatic childhood event scarred you for life?
A gay man bit my ankle while I was camping with my family.
Seeing 9/11 happen on TV. The radical Islamic terrorist must have hid explosives inside the twin towers and concealed them with their webbing. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams!
I watched two boy spiders doing it at the zoo.
3. What happened before your last panic attack?
I saw a gay couple holding hands as they walked down the street. Four on each side just out in the open like that! I had to turn away.
I watched my taxi driver catch a fly and consume it while driving. I jumped out at the next red light.
A spider was in the showers at the YMCA and it dropped its soap. I had to get out of there.
4. Imagine you’re trapped in a web, what do you fear happens next?
I’m going to be forced to watch gay porn.
Someone is going to try to convert me to Islam.
A spider of the same sex is going to give me a sensual massage.
5. What was your last nightmare?
My best friend from high school came out to me and then proceeded to lay thousands of eggs in my ear canal
I’m a child and my father tells me we have to convert to Islam, then they send me to a Mosque where they install my extra six eyes.
Two black widow spiders scissoring in the darkness forever.
6. You’re in a dark room, when suddenly something is touching the small of your neck. What do you think it is?
OMG it’s a gay trying to suck my blood!
Stand back! It’s an ISIS terrorist trying to trap you in a silk cocoon only to decapitate you and feast on your innards for their propaganda videos.
No means no, spider! I blocked you on Grindr for a reason!
QUIZ: Are you homophobic, Islamophobic or arachnophobic?
YOU ARE ARACHNOPHOBIC
You think that you’re homophobic, but you’re actually afraid of spiders! All of those strong emotions that you have identified as repressed homosexual desire that you feel toward members of the same sex is actually just the common revulsion toward members of the Araneae animal order. Start the healing process by watching the 1990 film, Arachnophobia, starring John Goodman.
QUIZ: Are you homophobic, Islamophobic or arachnophobic?
YOU ARE ARACHNOPHOBIC
You think that you are Islamophobic, but you’re actually afraid of spiders! All of those strong emotions that you have identified as blind hatred toward the Other for acts perpetrated by a relatively small number in their total population in response to their historical conditions that you are probably fairly ignorant of is actually just the common revulsion toward members of the Araneae animal order. Start the healing process by watching the 1990 film, Arachnophobia, starring John Goodman.
QUIZ: Are you homophobic, Islamophobic or arachnophobic?
YOU ARE HOMOPHOBIC
You think that you’re arachnophobic, but you’re actually afraid of gay people. There are some pretty obvious differences between spiders and gay people, so it’s surprising to us that you haven’t been able to spot them by now. For one, gay people are people, and spiders are spiders. That being said, you may consider professional help to deal with this issue. If you watch the 1990 film Arachnophobia, starring John Goodman, and do not find yourself scared of the spiders, but instead find yourself attracted to John Goodman, you’re well on your way to start the healing process.

Sources

Reactions?!
  •  ♥ 
  •  🍆 
  • LOL 
  • YAAAAS 
  • NAAAAS 
  • I do not know how I feel about this 
  • I just want to click a button 
Want to support The Beaverton? Why not buy a copy of our hilarious first book?