WASHINGTON D.C. – In his efforts to remake the U.S. national centre for the performing arts in his own image, President Donald Trump has revealed that the Kennedy Center’s final production before closing for renovations will be to act as the venue for this year’s ceremony honouring the porn industry’s best and tightest.
“It’s gonna be a really great, really classy show,” the President declared, “My favourites will be there. The most beautiful ones. All the ones, even some who might not be beautiful but others may like them. We’ll finally give ordinary Americans what they really want: A little snatch, a little hog. Best screwing you’ve ever seen.”
The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, which has previously played host to such cultural luminaries as Yo-Yo Ma and Dizzy Gillespie, will now add to its historical roster the likes of Ava Koxxx, Scott Nails, and a lifetime achievement award to Tanya Fiveholes for 75 years in the industry. Insiders report that the event was specifically requested by Trump, who wanted to, quote, “ass the place up a bit”.
Producers confirm that the show will be revamped to recognize the privilege of taking place at such a prestigious location. All attendees will be required to don appropriate formalwear, though accommodations will be given for those more well-endowed performers who need to “let various parts out to breathe a bit”. Creative interpretations of the term “cummerbund” will be strictly policed.
“I think you’re going to find that we’ve done away with some of the tacky outfits and shameless sleaze,” reported Dick Dickson, director of this year’s affair, “ for instance, we’re going to have a string quartet accompanying certain categories like Best Use of Holes, Best Foot, and Best Use of Holes (German).”
Trump himself is rumoured to be introducing the coveted award for Most Insertions where he is excited to meet the nominees in person. An exasperated aide admitted that, yes, the President will be asking each of them to sign his penis but, you know, in a really classy way totally befitting the venue. The night will also end with a long-expected presidential pardon of Ron Jeremy from President Trump.
“Finally, the Kennedy Center will be used for something of value to every day Americans: the filthiest, most graphic fucking you’ve ever seen. God Bless America!” shouted the President.
And, for those still concerned about tarnishing the legacy of such a venerable institution, spokespeople for the descendants of its namesake John F. Kennedy have fully confirmed that President Kennedy would have absolutely supported this endeavour.
