2023 poppies “extra stabby” to help Canadians appreciate soldiers’ sacrifice
OTTAWA – Representatives from the Royal Canadian Legion have confirmed that their 2023 poppies were designed for optimal pointiness, size, and “gouge-ability”, to help Canadians better reme…
The Donald Trump apocalypse begins
In this special preview of The Beaverton‘s first episode, Emma Hunter and Miguel Rivas provide complete coverage of the 2016 Presidential election. Donald Trump has won the Presidenc…
Nation relieved to hear Ebola just in Winnipeg
OTTAWA – Upon hearing that a lab technician was possibly exposed to the Ebola virus, Canadians were relieved to hear that the exposure only occurred in Winnipeg. “Oh, thank God,” explained …
Nation’s parents wake up to tell kids elaborate, four-year lie
WASHINGTON, DC – After waking up and fretting this morning’s conversation at the breakfast table, approximately 150 million American parents stammered their way through roughly the exact sa…
Obituary for America
Sad news from Washington as the United States of America was found dead yesterday.…
Armed poll-watcher forgets to vote
ASHE COUNTY, NC – After spending a full 13 hours standing next to his local polling station holding an AR-15, Arliss Connaught has suddenly realized that he forgot to vote. “Well shoot,” sa…
Quiz: what life defining emotional baggage will you give your children?
Good parents and bad parents both have one thing in common: They both ruin their child’s life with emotional baggage. It’s inevitable. Use our handy quiz to find out exactly what you …
Samsung-Volkswagen partnership will see recalled cars set alight with recalled phones
Black Rock Desert, NV — Two global brands facing separate multi-billion dollar faulty product crises are teaming up to address their problems with a unique sponsorship plan. Under the agre…
Expectant father just hoping for ten fingers, ten toes, one penis
FLIN FLON, MB – When local father-to-be Ron Martin was asked whether he was hoping for a boy or a girl, he gave his standard response. “I only want it to be healthy,” he said in a recent in…
Rachel Notley caught in yet another scandal
Beleaguered Alberta premier Rachel Notley has been accused of even more misconduct. The Beaverton‘s Laura Cilevitz travelled to Calgary to speak with a number of outraged Albertans.…
