OTTAWA – Prime Minister Carney has announced a plan to sell off Canadian airports, thus generating revenue for his new sovereign wealth fund, and assures Canadians they will surely pay less in airports owned by Canada’s most-rapacious corporate monopolies.
“If there’s one thing Canadians know, it’s that they will never be gouged by companies like Loblaws, Bell, or Starlight Canadian Residential Real Estate,” Carney explained in front of a large graph that simply read “CANADA = $$$”.
While detailing how his new infrastructure-building vehicle is definitely a sovereign wealth fund, despite containing no windfall revenues and being entirely debt-financed, Canada’s Prime Minister enthused about how Canada’s biggest companies will have first crack owning and operating the nation’s airports.
The Prime Minister went on to explain why selling off Canada’s airports to the highest bidder might someday, in theory, help consumers. “Just think of all the convenience you experience when buying concessions and merchandise at market prices in the Rogers Centre – now compound that with the already-fair prices Canadians pay for a bottle of water and two Advil at any of our nationwide airports.”
Carney went on to outline the “great national pride” Canadians will feel, “knowing they’ve helped build Canada’s Sovereign Wealth Fund, while flying into the arrivals gate at Tim Horton’s Double Double Terminal, or the Pornhub SPICEVIDS International Airport.”
The PM then promised to investigate opening the ownership of Canadian airports up to international firms, “Namely American ones, so they can pay lower prices and be surveilled and data-mined by Palantir Technologies Inc.”
At press time, Prime Minister Carney is exploring bids to acquire the entire nation of Canada from an enterprising startup nation located just south of us at the 45th parallel.
