VANCOUVER – Scientists have finally narrowed down the cause of the mass bee extinction happening around the world to the activities of Doug Livingstone, professionally known as The Amazing Bee-Eating ...
Orchestra scientists discover new superconductor
MONTREAL — McGill University researchers specializing in Orchestral Sciences have announced a newly discovered superconductor with astonishing implications for the future of music. “We now have an ent...
Pedicurist admits “Your feet are the grossest feet I’ve ever seen”
VANCOUVER, BC- After almost two straight hours, aesthetician Pia Montibaldi, the woman currently giving you a pedicure, has officially admitted, “Yes, your feet are the grossest feet I have ever seen....
CTV orders Beaverton New Year’s Eve special so funny, it will almost make 2017 worth it
TORONTO – In a move designed to lessen the terrible horror humanity has endured in 2017, CTV has commissioned a ‘year in review’ special from the Beaverton to air New Year’s Eve at 10pm. “Obviou...
Local family celebrates daughter’s first training bra with ceremonial distancing of father
ST. CATHARINES, ON. – In a tradition dating back centuries, a local family’s youngest daughter, Dana Black, has been gifted her first training bra, a moment which is immediately followed by the ...
Santa’s nice list just one lady from Saskatoon
SASKATOON, SK – Leaked documents from earlier this morning have revealed the full contents of Santa Claus’ previously undisclosed naughty and nice lists, with many were surprised to learn that o...
Local man completely changes personality after being visited by three ghosts
Ach-To — As tends to happen to people on Christmas, local elderly man Luke Skywalker is alleged to have completely changed his personality with a seemingly supernatural abruptness. It is unclear...
TVA claims Montreal mosque asked construction workers to use Halal jackhammers
MONTREAL – Popular Quebec television station TVA has corrected a report that a Montreal-area mosque demanded women be expelled from a nearby construction site, amending the story with a claim th...
Canadian government greenlights gritty film adaptation of Don’t Put It In Your Mouth PSA
TORONTO – Hoping to capitalize on millennial nostalgia through a newly awarded government grant, Canadian mega-studio Concerned Children’s Advertisers has greenlit a feature length adaptation of...
As punishment for ethics violations, Trudeau to receive salary through Phoenix pay system
OTTAWA – After the Conflict of Interest Commissioner found him to be in violation of ethics rules for his vacation to Aga Khan’s private island, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will be punished by...
