HOWLING VOID – Charlaine and Zach Cooper are livid after an error in their Google Maps app caused them to drive straight into the howling void. “You hear about Google accidentally sending people...
Senate refuses to pass bill removing all references to Bigfoot from “O Canada”
OTTAWA – The Senate continues to refuse to pass a House bill that would remove all references to the simian cryptid known as Bigfoot from Canada’s national anthem. “I’m tired of the PC police co...
Parliament Hill cancels NYE plans after failing to anticipate winter might be cold
OTTAWA – Many of the Canada 150 New Year’s Eve celebrations have been cancelled after event organizers failed to consider the possibility of winter. Despite the considerable cost and hours spent...
Historians uncover identity of the anus that the planet Uranus is named after
VIENNA – Historians focusing on the development of the study of astronomy have finally uncovered the answer to a mystery that has long puzzled modern scientists: whose anus is the planet Uranus named ...
Bruce Cockburn makes good on promise to obtain rocket launcher, kills son-of-a-bitch
PICTON, ON – Legendary Canadian musician Bruce Cockburn has made good on his threat from his 1984 hit, “If I had a Rocket Launcher” and has finally made someone pay. The 72-year-old prolific fol...
Help! A tall, bald man appears in my house every time I mop the floor
You’re not going to believe this, and I’m scared to even admit it, but every time I mop my kitchen floor, a hairless man with an earring, dressed entirely in white. I first noticed three months ago wh...
Yoplait scientists discover liquid yogurt on Mars
GRANBY, QC — From the Carl C. Yoplait Centre for Excellence in Dairy Sciences, a team of Canada’s top dairy astronomists addressed members of the press, Friday, to announce their discovery of li...
Locals finally notice restaurant has just been playing Styx’s ‘Styx’ on repeat for 20 years
FORT ERIE – Over the course of an extended brunch date at local institution Ted’s Fine Dining, one couple has discovered the only music that has been played at the restaurant during its 23 years of bu...
Royal Baby to teach Master Class on being Royal Baby
LONDON – Master Class, the online education platform featuring celebrity instructors like Serena Williams and Martin Scorsese, has made history by signing a contract with the fetus inside Kate M...
Local man starting to suspect shiny piece of plastic he bought is not actually bitcoin
REGINA – Timothy Bear has started to believe that they may be a slim chance that the 7 inch wide, shiny plastic coin he purchased may not be the piece of crypto currency that he initially though...
