VANCOUVER – Scientists have finally narrowed down the cause of the mass bee extinction happening around the world to the activities of Doug Livingstone, professionally known as The Amazing Bee-Eating Man.
“We now know that it isn’t climate change or habitat destruction or any of the other theories bandied about over the years,” said Dr. Leonard Ehrlmacher, Chief Apiologist at the Centre for Entomological Phenomena, “But rather it was simply a single man with a pathologically unprecedented tendency to consume bees en masse.”
“He is a one-man colony collapse,” Dr. Ehrlmacher continued.
Livingstone first rose to prominence as a sideshow attraction with the Barnum & Bailey Circus before being discovered and featured on TLC’s TV special, Critter Chompers. Viral fame followed and Livingstone toured the country demonstrating his ability to eat thousands and thousands of bees in a single sitting. Recently, he has enjoyed an extended stay at Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Resort Hotel performing a joint act with Celine Dion.
“We saw him last year for our anniversary and it was so impressive to see him eat that many bees without any negative side effects,” said Marsha Compton, “But the whole thing takes on a new bitter feeling knowing that he is leading to the extinction of his own food source.”
Bee extinction is a hot-button topic which has been brought to public prominence recently as scientists point out the important role they play in pollinating our own food sources. Activists have already begun a campaign to vilify Doug Livingstone as a Doomsday figure who will bring about the end times with his selfish desire to just go to town on whole colonies of bees with wild abandon.
In a press release issued by Livingstone in response to the findings, he denied playing a statistically significant role in the extinction saying that he practices environmentally conscious bee consumption and only devours oil drums full of drones. Furthermore, rumours of his 2016 consumption of 32 queens in a single sitting were met with flat denial. Instead, Livingstone questioned why the mainstream media continuously vilifies honest, blue-collar bee swallowers when individuals like “Kyle: The Monarch Butterfly Biter” and “Jeff: The Guy Who Keeps Trying to Eat an Elephant” are allowed to walk the streets with impunity.
“I take some dark pride in being right that the extinction was man-made after all”, says Dr. Ehrlmacher, “but in this case the emphasis is on the word ‘man’, as in one man. Doug. Doug Livingstone. The amazing bee-eating man. He may kill us all.”
