Canadian navy warship contributes to drug bust by not sinking
HALIFAX – HMCS Preserver made the difference in a cocaine bust in the Caribbean Sea by staying afloat earlier this week. “The Royal Canadian Navy demonstrated professionalism and hard work …
Canadians pretending to have read Alice Munro in massive numbers
OTTAWA — With the news that Alice Munro has won the Nobel Prize for literature, Canadians from coast to coast are now pretending to have read her collected works in record figures. ‘The Vie…
Putin celebrates Nobel Peace Prize nomination by eating the hearts of his enemies
RUSSIA – Russian president Vladmir Putin’s peacekeeping efforts earned him a Nobel Prize nomination last week, prompting a presidential celebration that left six Chechnyan rebel leaders dea…
The Tea Party won’t back down until someone tells them what they are fighting for
WASHINGTON – Members of the Tea Party Caucus have informed Americans that they will not vote to end the government shut down until it is made absolutely clear to them what exactly they are being …
Mother proud of son for sharing toys, vaccine-preventable disease with classmates
OAKVILLE – Nathalie Stilstuch, mother of 5 year-old Jackson, is beaming with pride knowing that her son is sharing sandbox toys and his measles with his senior kindergarten class. The gener…
Ben Mulroney cast in Justin Trudeau biopic
Producers for the upcoming Justin Trudeau biopic “Justin: our hero, our saviour, our next prime minister” have revealed that Ben Mulroney will be taking on the titular role. At a press conference…
Senator paid $298k to do no work paid friend $65k to do no work
OTTAWA – Embattled Senator Mike Duffy is in further legal trouble after RCMP reports claim he used a portion of his $298,310 expenses to do the same work as a senator. “The Senator pa…
Nova Scotia elects premier most Canadians will never hear about again
HALIFAX – Nova Scotians headed to the polls to elect a person that will never be heard from again by anyone outside of the province. The vast, uninterested masses of Canadians, will go back…
Women everywhere scramble to lock down ‘winter boyfriend’
Burnaby, BC – Anthropologists studying human female migration patterns have noticed mass movements of women toward cafes, college campuses, and libraries in pursuit of finding a mate for th…
