UNITED KINGDOM — Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson shocked the scientific community on Monday when he announced evidence of an alternate universe in which people actually listen to scientists.
In a paper to be published in the journal Nature, Tyson and his Princeton University team posit the existence of a dimension completely separate from our own in which evidence and opinion are recognized as two entirely separate processes.
The discovery was made by accident when a graduate student left a television on in the lab during a cross-dimensional experiment. Just as astronomers can find exoplanets by watching for redshift in a light’s wavelength, Tyson’s team discovered a “truth-shift” when White House spokesperson and flat-earth enthusiast Sarah Huckabee Sanders appeared on the television and her voice bounced off the dimensional curtain.
“One would think an alternate dimension would accept alternate facts,” said Tyson. “But it turns out the wavelength of bullshit is a universal constant, and this new dimension prioritizes verifiable evidence over folksy word salad.”
If confirmed, the finding could bring about a new model of research in which science is funded based on its inherent truth value rather than the likelihood of getting Jeff Goldblum to play a stuttering professor in the origin story.
“This is a whole new way of looking at the world,” reads Tyson’s media release. “Although physically identical to our reality, this parallel universe recognizes the validity of testable hypotheses as a basis for human knowledge. It’s almost as if their universe isn’t being run by children.”
The announcement stunned academics worldwide, many of whom have gone decades without a single idea taken seriously.
“The implications are enormous,” tweeted a fellow astrophysicist. “This means that just beyond a dimensional veil separating an alternate reality from this one, there is someone exactly like you, but vaccinated.”
Scientists have already begun seeking a way to travel to this newly found universe in search of grant money and positive affirmation. So far, none of them have looked for a way to return home.
