OTTAWA – After realizing that he is now the oldest leader of Canada’s three major political parties, Justin Trudeau has stopped his rigorous exercise regimen and started eating every piece of garlic bread he can get his hands on.
“Finally!” proclaimed a jubilant Trudeau, more than eager to become the doughy elder statesman. “Oh God, I hated yoga so much.”
Staff report that since the realization Trudeau has been holed up in his office eating, going through his ‘watch later’ list on Netflix, and ordering ill-fitting suits.
“It started when I told him that Jagmeet Singh is 38,” said Katie Telford, Trudeau’s Chief of Staff. “After that he asked me how old Andrew Scheer is. Then he called Dominos.”
Trudeau seems to be warmly embracing the change, having his now greying hair cut to a modest crew, but many supporters are not reacting as positively.
“This is bullshit,” said Victoria woman Marsha Hargreaves. “I knew I was signing up for a disingenuous centrist, but at least he was supposed to be young and hot.”
Perhaps most surprised by the new status quo was Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer, now rebranding himself as ‘The Kid.’
“My people tell me I need to take advantage of this,” said Scheer, putting on a backwards basecap cap. “Though I can’t say I’m too comfortable wearing a Half Windsor tie knot, and they’re not letting me drink table cream anymore.”
Trudeau has since resigned as Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs and Youth and dissolved the cabinet position, but has assured Canadians he wasn’t doing much in that regard anyway.
